It happened today.
I got a phone call from Children’s Wish Foundation.
Evelyn is being granted a wish.
Even when I type it now, my initial instinct is to smile...but I quickly catch myself. I stop, and I think twice.
Evelyn is being granted a wish.
I got a phone call from Children’s Wish Foundation.
Children’s Wish Foundation.
My daughter, is being granted a wish....because she deserves one...because she qualifies....because she has cancer.
My daughter is being granted a wish, because she has cancer.
I remember seeing the information in my binder when Evie was diagnosed. It was under a section of helpful resources, things like camps and charities. As I looked it over, I thought, “Oh that’s nice...but not for us”. You see, in order to qualify for a wish, you not only have to have a life threatening illness, but you need to be three. Three being considered old enough to express your opinion. Evie was diagnosed in fall of 2010 – at 6 months old. Her scheduled 60 weeks of chemo would bring her to about 20 months old – still far too young to qualify. This wasn’t upsetting; we just dismissed the whole idea right then and there and from then on, never really gave it much thought.
Even as I watched other families I knew make plans for their child’s wish, I still dismissed it. No matter how similar the diagnosis, I could always find a discrepancy, something that would entitle their child, but not mine. I think in one way I just didn’t want to get my hopes up, simply to be knocked down again, but clearly I was also scared. I was, and am scared of what it means to qualify. I guess I’m even scared to admit to others that she qualifies as I have kept this close to my chest for weeks now. Something that really should have been so exciting, tweetable, facebook postable, calling friends and family...I think I’ve told two people. I haven’t even told Evie! My reasons for that are different, I feel she is too young right now, and we definitely do not need to rush her decision..but I wonder if it isn’t my own insecurities as well.
I feel like I know once I tell people I will be reassured that this is a good thing...I know it is. It’s a great thing. I’m sure I will feel that even more once everyone knows, once the wish has been made, the wheels are in motion whatever they may be. Evie will be excited, and she will smile and laugh and it will hopefully be something she can hold on to and remember for the rest of her time. It will be a moment of happiness, and that in itself will bring happiness to me. I know she will love it, and I know she deserves it. But she just didn’t deserve cancer. And neither did any of her friends. And when I say friends, what I really mean are the amazing kids that have come into her life, but only into her life because they too have cancer. Tobin, JamieLee, Jake, Kendra, Stella....they have each been granted an amazing wish, and though Evie’s will surely be equally amazing....I wish none of them qualified.
I am not trying to sound ungrateful. I am very excited about her wish, but there is a definite sadness as well. It’s a reminder that my child is suffering through a life-threatening illness. It’s a reminder that her treatment has been going on much longer than we ever anticipated. It is also a reminder that even when we think we have reached a point of normalcy, this really shouldn’t be normal. We are not in control, and we likely never will be. Having a child with cancer is a reminder of that loss of control. Every day.
