April 13, 2011, Evelyn's 1st Birthday
I would hazard a guess that I have been looking forward to and counting down the days to Evelyn's first birthday for weeks...months...perhaps even since the day she was born. A first birthday is a huge deal. It's a benchmark. It's like a passing grade in what is arguably one of the toughest years of parenthood. By your childs first birthday, you've also encountered a lot of other first; eating solids, teeth, sitting up, moving around, sounds if not words, sleeping through the night, just to name a few. With every first you hit, you feel a sense of accomplishment, and you gain confidence in your parenting skills. The fear of a newborn has long passed, and despite not knowing what adventures toddlerhood is going to bring your way, there is less panic about your abilities to handle it all.
With the curveball we were thrown at the 6 1/2 month mark, Evelyn's birthday has been even more of an event to look forward to. It has been a positive sure thing to look forward to, no matter what else came up. And now it's here. Her birthday fell on a Wednesday, not the most rockin day of the week, but it will due. I guess whenever you really look forward to something, there is potential for it to not live up to the hype, and though I hate admitting this, I feel this is what has happened. I was very excited for the Birthday (Birth Day), and I wanted to really celebrate and focus on all things positive. After such a stressful 5 1/2 months, I really wanted to enjoy the day. I made a cake, and Paul and I purchased her first birthday present. We had planned two parties for the weekend, one with our families and one with our friends. I thought we had it all figured out, but what I wasnt prepared for was how differently Paul was feeling about the day.
Every ounce of my enthusiasm and excitement was countered by his feelings of sadness and regret. Where I was happy for the day to arrive, to have a reason to celebrate something positive, Paul was stuck thinking about all of the negative that had consumed our lives. He was upset that his baby, only one year old, had been put through so much, so soon. Though I found it cute that Evie knew where her EMLA patch went when she found it in my purse, it saddened Paul that she was so wise to a step in her chemotherapy. I was proud of how much we had done, Paul was more focused on the fact that we had to do it in the first place.
When we finally figured out how far apart our feelings were, the day had escaped us. Though I am happy to say we celebrated in spite of our own feelings, to say the day was bittersweet would be an understatement. Even thinking back now, I find it so hard to believe that we were on such different pages, but it goes to show you that everyone has a different perspective and a different way of dealing with things. This is clearly not the 1st Birthday I expected to have when our daughter was born, but it's a 1st Birthday none the less. No matter what we felt or how we celebrated, Evelyn Marie Laplante turned one, and no matter what the next year of her life entails, we are ALL looking forward to celebrating her next birthday.
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