FRIDAY JANUARY 20, 2012
I woke up this morning, and for a Friday, I was pretty happy....I'd even say I was borderline excited. Today is dose number sixty. Sixty doses of chemotherapy. Sixty. It's unbelievable to me. In the days following Evie's diagnosis, this number was thrown around a lot. She would endure a sixty week treatment plan, as per the protocol. Evie would go through sixty doses (not weeks) of chemotherapy. It was such a big number, such a long time such a fast forward through her babyhood. When you have children, in one way you do think about their future. For us, it was more a hope, a dream, a glimpse into their growing up, first words, steps, birthdays, graduation, College/University, love...it was a lot of things that I thought about almost immediatley,without even knowing I was having those thoughts. We thought about the future in the long term. We thought about it in the that you think about your own life, in particular when you're younger: a very long period of time in which you are going to do/accomplish/succeed at so many different things...It never occured to us that the future in the short term would be what shocked and scared us the most.
All of a sudden, we were looking ahead to the future, but the future was not all that we had hoped and dreamed for. All of a sudden, the future was so short...and yet so long. All of a sudden, everything about the next 60 weeks of our lives was going to be different than what we anticipated. All of a sudden, a little fourteen pound, bald baby girl was fast forwarding to 2 years old. All of a sudden, we were terrified, overwhelmed, ignorant, deeply saddened.
The "future" that was thrust upon us on October 29, 2010 was a much different future than we anticipated. Now to some, sixty weeks might not seem so bad....but it is a pretty long time. It's more than a year...and not just by a little. Even though time seems to pass faster and faster as we grow older, the thought of sixty weeks felt like forever to us. As it happens, sixty weeks is a long time for a six month old too. Evelyn had time to grow up a lot. She started out as baby who had just learned to sit up on her own, and taste solid foods. Sixty weeks later she is a walking, talking toddler. In sixty weeks she has grown pounds, inches, teeth and a mass of blonde slightly curly hair. She has learned kindness and attitude. She can communicate her needs, and often does so politely. She is compassionate and loving. She is a clown, and loves laughing and making others giggle too. She pushes her luck and stomps her feet. She wants it done her way, on her own....except sometimes when she just needs Mommy. She is thoughtful, and inquisitive, and though is not yet at the "Why" stage, we know it's really only a matter of time....for now, she simply insists on telling me the same facts over and over again, ie. "Daddy work". She is nothing short of an awesome little girl.
Ya know how they say a watched pot never boils? That's kind of what the first sixty weeks felt like. To Paul and I, the weeks seemed to drag on, it took forever to hit week 15, 25, 40, and finally week 60. The main problem is that in our struggle to adapt and wait out the sixty week timeline, the timeline itself lengthened. Sixty weeks became seventy weeks, and then seventy weeks became, well, an indefinite period of time. We dont know how many weeks we have left, there is no magic number to look forward to or to count down. It all seemed to change in an instant, we read the final chapter and then saw the words "TO BE CONTINUED". I cant speak for Paul, though often in this blog I probably do, but I felt angry and frustrated, and well, cheated. How can Evie go through so much, she's just a little girl...she was just a little baby. We sat on this information for a little while, let it torment us, and then we realized that it didnt have to be so horrible. No part of me wants to keep going to chemo every Friday, but if we dont know when we will end, at least we wont have the opportunity of being let down in case things change, again.
Babies dont watch pots, they play, and laugh and cause trouble. When you are unaware of the time period, like a baby is, it is a much different experience. In fact, arguably, you get to experience...more. That pot, stop watching it. FInd something to do in the meantime, anything. When the pot is boils, it wont be in secret - you'll figure it out, and move on to the next step, whatever it may be.
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