For 21 months now I've been following the rules.
I let go of the freedoms given to many new Moms on Maternity Leave.
In fear of getting too sick, I largely stopped taking my baby to playgroups and activities.
I let my life revolve around doctors, appointments, and chemotherapy.
I woke up early every Friday and packed snacks, diapers, toys, and books.
I religiously kept charts of height, weight and blood counts.
For six months, as was required, I kept a log of all food consumed, including any fattening agents (butter, formula) mixed in.
I paid over $1,500.00 to park our car, and likely consumed the same amount in Tea and Timbits.
I have spent my Fridays in a small, albeit, private room.
I eventually chose to put my career on pause.
I depended on the help of my family endlessly.
I arrived on time, if not early for every appointment.
I brought my entire medical binder everywhere.
Every rule I was given, I followed....and it's been no use. Today the rules have changed, or perhaps it's just that I've been playing the wrong game all along.
It doesnt matter how good I've been, how good she's been, how good we've all been. Sometimes it just doesnt work out in your favour. There's no reason in particular, I mean, if there were, then someone should be able to tell me why it happened in the first place. I'm tired of playing. I want to flip the board upside down and yell at someone, tell them they have cheated me.
Today, every fear that I had so long ago has flooded back to me. I am feeling overwhelmed. I think it's probably worse than the first time. I know more now. I've been doing this for a long time. We've been doing this for a long time. She's been doing this for a long time. Too long. Longer than anyone, doctors included, thought she would.
Today I let myself react the way I felt I couldnt so long ago. I cried. I shut everyone out. I ignored as many people as possible. I was irrational. I was angry. I was sad. I was confused. I was emotional. I was selfish. And it felt really, really good. It felt real.
The dilemma I'm having is that this is real - it's not a game. At the end of the day, I essentially have to follow the rules, but does that mean that I am going to get the results I want? Absolutely not.
