Are you strong enough?

Today I cried on public transit.  Sitting in my seat, my body harshly jerking forward every few blocks, the sun pouring in through the window beside me.  Tears filled my eyes, and gently rolled down my cheek.  Hiding behind my sunglasses and unable to stop it, I cried, and nobody noticed.  Their ignorance, it almost gave me permission to feel the way I felt, and let my guard down.  To not hold back, and reassure myself that it will be ok - but to just feel, and hurt, and cry.  To feel that raw emotion, that sadness.  The hot tears on my cheeks, with sniffling nose and even the lump in my stomach.  I felt consumed. 

Sometimes I can't exactly make sense of what happened in the past few years.  I find myself thinking, "Is this really my life?", or "How is this my life?"  But it's kind of as useless as trying to figure out how and why a six month old baby gets cancer.  And I've been down the road way too many times as it is.  I'm not sure why, or what I did, or if I did anything, or didn't do something.  It's more about figuring out what to do now that it's happened.  I think that's probably the key to a lot of life actually, it kind of makes more sense doesn't it?  Like being famous is one thing, but it's how you handle fame that shows your real character?

I'm not sure how to handle things a lot of the time.  I guess that's the truth.  I get told I'm strong, and that I do it well.  But I'm not sure they're right.  It doesn't feel strong.  It often feels helpless.  I wonder if people know that?  I'm not sure about things like fate, but it seems like I was not in control of this cancer when it came, and I'm not in control of how to get rid of it either. It's just happening.  In realtime. Whether I'm strong about it or not.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if people even mean it when they say it?  Am I strong, or do they just not know what else to say?  Is it because they don't know how they could handle it....because I guess the thing is, the terrible things in life, we don't envision them or strive to be able to handle them.  They're always a surprise, a twist, a curveball.  They just happen.  It's a lot different from the positive things, the ones we plan for, work at, achieve.  It's that instant change, that moment where something so big happens, where your life is turned upside down and everything just sort of stops - it's those moments, where you feel scared and upset, and no matter what age, like you need to turn to the closest adult so they can envelope you in a hug with the reassurance that this horrible thing isn't really happening.  Those moments apparently become defining to a certain extent.  Sometimes I think my ignorance and naivete in that arguable biggest moment in my life, got confused with strength.  Sometimes I worry that I'm not actually what people think I am, like when I find myself alone and crying on public transit.

I'm not strong.  Most of the time I'm just remembering the very basics of my existence.  Breath in, breath out.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Just keep swimming.